Happy Birthday Apple Computer!

1999–2004April 3, 2000Macs Only!Apple business
Apple Computer, Inc. Buys Microsoft!: After wisely investing the $150 million that Microsoft invested in Apple Computer two years ago, Apple earned enough money to complete a leveraged buyout of Microsoft today to commemorate Apple's birthday. Apple's partners in the leveraged buyout were not announced immediately but sources indicate that the major investors with Apple include a highly financially successful religious organization, a division of a federal government department and a founding partner in a mega technology firm. When contacted by a reporter, Apple's iCEO Steve Jobs replied "Isn't that just cool!"

Fred Anderson, Apple CFO, told a reporter that Apple made all of its money by using the Microsoft investment to purchase and sell stock in NASDAQ IPOs. "We had a great run of luck, increasing Microsoft's investment by over 1000-fold." During the past few months, Apple quietly sold off all of its holdings, completing the bulk of the sales on Friday. When asked by a reporter how Apple had kept this information from stockholders and the public, Mr. Anderson replied, "Apple doesn't comment on unannounced technology." The NASDAQ dropped over 60% on Friday as news of Apple's sell-off spread. In a related and ironic development, the Gates Foundation was caught in the midst of diversifying its holdings in light of the Microsoft antitrust trial and declared bankruptcy.

All highly financially successful religious organizations refused to comment except to refute that they are highly financially successful.

Joel Klein, Chief of the Justice Department's Antitrust Division, referred all questions but one to the Justice Department's Public Affairs Office. Mr. Klein simply stated that the large appropriation increase resulting from the backfire to Microsoft's meddling on Capitol Hill is being put to good public use. Justice's Public Affairs Office issued a statement from General Janet Reno denying that there's any connection between the Apple purchase of Microsoft and Friday's sudden application by 50,000 of the Department's former lawyers for workman's compensation.

When contacted at Microsoft's headquarters in Redmond, WA, recently appointed President and CEO Steve Balmer welcomed the buyout. "Even though it won't be under the Microsoft name, this is a great opportunity for us. Bill is ecstatic! It will allow us to fulfill our dream of global domination beyond our wildest expectations. We will not only have a 90% monopoly in operating systems but a stronger one approaching 100%. On top of that, we are now positioned to have a monopoly in hardware as well." Balmer says he plans to change his first name to Snickelfritz so that he can get his own personal mac.com email address. Co-Founder Bill Gates was unavailable for comment, apparently ecstatically disoriented by today's event and lost among the many rooms in his vast house. He was last seen fretting over the fact that bill@mac.com is already taken. Co-Founder Paul Allen, when reached, only laughed incessantly and hung up on a reporter.

How this move will affect Mac users who have suffered so long at the hands of inept, ignorant or evil corporate IT department heads is uncertain. However, many were seen headed home Friday with a one-page iMac "Getting Started" pamphlet in their hands. One who talked to a reporter admitted, "You know, I've got to study this very hard over the weekend so I'll look intelligent to my CEO on Monday. We in IT will now have to keep up with the cutting edge as well as figure out what to do with our support staff. Maybe for once my argument of real savings to the company will come true."

Stay tuned for breaking developments. [A. Fuhl]

Also on April 3, other years

Every April 3 since 1997

Saw something? Send a tip or a correction

The archive ran on reader tips. What did you see, where, and do you want the credit? Something wrong on this page? Say so and it gets fixed.

Read by the editor. You get a copy by email. Never published without your say.

More in Apple business · This month in the archive